First: your baby is not rejecting you.
Latch refusal is incredibly annoying.
And, honestly, it can be kind of hurtful.
Lactating parents can take it personally. Your baby won't latch, and suddenly your brain starts supplying a whole story:
My baby doesn't like me.
My baby doesn't want me.
My baby doesn't like my milk.
My baby prefers the bottle.
My baby is rejecting me.
That's usually not what's happening.
Babies are wired to attach to people and to feed. They don't come into the world with our sophisticated adult opinions about restaurants, clothing, or whether someone has prepared their coffee correctly.
They also come with some pretty cool built-in reflexes.
Stroke a baby's foot and they push out.
Stroke along their spine and they may shimmy.
Touch their cheek and they turn toward it.
Touch their lips and they open their mouth.
Put your finger in their little hand and they grab it.
Put your finger in their mouth and they suck.
These aren't decisions they're making. They're innate responses.
So when a baby isn't latching, I want to know:
Why?
And, honestly, it can be kind of hurtful.
Lactating parents can take it personally. Your baby won't latch, and suddenly your brain starts supplying a whole story:
My baby doesn't like me.
My baby doesn't want me.
My baby doesn't like my milk.
My baby prefers the bottle.
My baby is rejecting me.
That's usually not what's happening.
Babies are wired to attach to people and to feed. They don't come into the world with our sophisticated adult opinions about restaurants, clothing, or whether someone has prepared their coffee correctly.
They also come with some pretty cool built-in reflexes.
Stroke a baby's foot and they push out.
Stroke along their spine and they may shimmy.
Touch their cheek and they turn toward it.
Touch their lips and they open their mouth.
Put your finger in their little hand and they grab it.
Put your finger in their mouth and they suck.
These aren't decisions they're making. They're innate responses.
So when a baby isn't latching, I want to know:
Why?
Sometimes it's a bad handshake
I think about breastfeeding as a kind of physical conversation.
You have to get the right sensory information from one person to the other.
If you can put your baby to the breast in whatever position you like and it works beautifully?
Bravo.
No problem is no problem.
Do whatever works.
But when it isn't working, we need to look at the mechanics.
And this is where I live.
I think about the ergonomics of breastfeeding a lot.
Maybe the baby's body isn't lined up in a way that makes it easy to attach.
Maybe they're too far away.
Maybe they're being held in a way that makes it difficult to move toward the breast.
Maybe the breast is in one place and the baby's mouth is in another.
Maybe the baby needs a completely different kind of support.
And then there are all the rules people throw at you:
Do the flipple!
Try cross-cradle!
Try football!
Lean back!
Lean forward!
Use a pillow!
Don't use a pillow!
Tilt the baby's head!
Make them have a wide mouth!
Okay.
How?
“Make the baby have a wide mouth” is not exactly a comprehensive positioning strategy.
That's like telling someone learning to ride a bike, “Just balance.”
Great.
How?
I want to give you actual things to do with your actual baby.
Not a collection of breastfeeding incantations.
You have to get the right sensory information from one person to the other.
If you can put your baby to the breast in whatever position you like and it works beautifully?
Bravo.
No problem is no problem.
Do whatever works.
But when it isn't working, we need to look at the mechanics.
And this is where I live.
I think about the ergonomics of breastfeeding a lot.
Maybe the baby's body isn't lined up in a way that makes it easy to attach.
Maybe they're too far away.
Maybe they're being held in a way that makes it difficult to move toward the breast.
Maybe the breast is in one place and the baby's mouth is in another.
Maybe the baby needs a completely different kind of support.
And then there are all the rules people throw at you:
Do the flipple!
Try cross-cradle!
Try football!
Lean back!
Lean forward!
Use a pillow!
Don't use a pillow!
Tilt the baby's head!
Make them have a wide mouth!
Okay.
How?
“Make the baby have a wide mouth” is not exactly a comprehensive positioning strategy.
That's like telling someone learning to ride a bike, “Just balance.”
Great.
How?
I want to give you actual things to do with your actual baby.
Not a collection of breastfeeding incantations.
Sometimes the baby is just exhausted
Then we have another category entirely.
Some babies have had a rough entrance into the world.
Maybe labor was long and difficult.
Maybe there was a difficult delivery.
Maybe there was a cord issue or meconium.
Maybe your baby is jaundiced and sleepier than a teenager on a Saturday morning.
Maybe they were breech.
Maybe they spent a very long time trying to make their way through the pelvis.
And “a little stuck” is not necessarily a little thing for the pelvis that is trying to let a baby out.
Some babies born by C-section are sleepy.
Some babies after induction are sleepy.
Some babies arrive early and are simply not quite ready for the feeding job we need them to do.
And some babies are just having a rough time.
I think of these babies like someone who has taken a very long international flight.
They sat in coach.
They didn't sleep.
They lost their luggage.
The food was questionable.
Their neck hurts.
They are disoriented.
And now someone is cheerfully saying:
“Welcome! Time to eat!”
And the baby is basically:
Absolutely not. I would like to lie down.
Sorry, baby.
You gotta eat.
So sometimes our job is not just “make the baby latch.”
It's figuring out how to help a tired, uncomfortable, disorganized, or not-quite-ready baby get into a state where feeding is actually possible.
Some babies have had a rough entrance into the world.
Maybe labor was long and difficult.
Maybe there was a difficult delivery.
Maybe there was a cord issue or meconium.
Maybe your baby is jaundiced and sleepier than a teenager on a Saturday morning.
Maybe they were breech.
Maybe they spent a very long time trying to make their way through the pelvis.
And “a little stuck” is not necessarily a little thing for the pelvis that is trying to let a baby out.
Some babies born by C-section are sleepy.
Some babies after induction are sleepy.
Some babies arrive early and are simply not quite ready for the feeding job we need them to do.
And some babies are just having a rough time.
I think of these babies like someone who has taken a very long international flight.
They sat in coach.
They didn't sleep.
They lost their luggage.
The food was questionable.
Their neck hurts.
They are disoriented.
And now someone is cheerfully saying:
“Welcome! Time to eat!”
And the baby is basically:
Absolutely not. I would like to lie down.
Sorry, baby.
You gotta eat.
So sometimes our job is not just “make the baby latch.”
It's figuring out how to help a tired, uncomfortable, disorganized, or not-quite-ready baby get into a state where feeding is actually possible.
And then there are the babies who used to latch
This is a different problem.
Your baby was happily nursing along and then suddenly:
NOPE.
This can happen with older babies, and nursing strikes are real.
A nursing strike is not the same thing as a newborn who has never figured out how to latch.
An older baby may have developed preferences, had a difficult experience, become distracted, been sick, had a change in routine, or simply decided that whatever was happening at the breast was no longer working for them.
These babies can be tricky.
But tricky doesn't mean impossible.
We can figure out what's changed and work from there.
Your baby was happily nursing along and then suddenly:
NOPE.
This can happen with older babies, and nursing strikes are real.
A nursing strike is not the same thing as a newborn who has never figured out how to latch.
An older baby may have developed preferences, had a difficult experience, become distracted, been sick, had a change in routine, or simply decided that whatever was happening at the breast was no longer working for them.
These babies can be tricky.
But tricky doesn't mean impossible.
We can figure out what's changed and work from there.
And then there's the baby who discovered the bottle
I once had a baby who had essentially decided:
“I have tried this breast thing. I would like to lodge a formal complaint.”
Harrumph.Bottle feeding can be easier or more immediately rewarding for some babies, particularly when they're tired, very hungry, or accustomed to a particular flow.
That doesn't mean they have rejected you.
It means they've learned something.
And babies are remarkably good learners.
So sometimes we're helping them become flexible again.
That might mean changing how we offer the breast, when we offer it, how hungry they are, how they're positioned, how much support they're getting, or how we're managing bottles alongside attempts at the breast.
There isn't one magic trick.
And sometimes it takes time.
“I have tried this breast thing. I would like to lodge a formal complaint.”
Harrumph.Bottle feeding can be easier or more immediately rewarding for some babies, particularly when they're tired, very hungry, or accustomed to a particular flow.
That doesn't mean they have rejected you.
It means they've learned something.
And babies are remarkably good learners.
So sometimes we're helping them become flexible again.
That might mean changing how we offer the breast, when we offer it, how hungry they are, how they're positioned, how much support they're getting, or how we're managing bottles alongside attempts at the breast.
There isn't one magic trick.
And sometimes it takes time.
This is where I come in
When your baby won't latch, I want to know what happened before the latch stopped working.
I want to know:
I want to see what your baby actually does.
Not what the parenting book says your baby should do.
Not what the TikTok video says.
Your baby.
Sometimes the solution is surprisingly simple.
Sometimes it takes some detective work.
Sometimes we need to work on body position, sensory input, timing, milk flow, bottle feeding, or feeding mechanics.
Sometimes we need to give a tired baby a little time.
Sometimes we need a different plan altogether.
And sometimes getting your baby back to the breast takes an adventure.
That's okay.
Adventures are a lot more fun when you have a pal.
And someone who knows where they're going.
Your baby isn't rejecting you.
I want to know:
- Was your baby ever latching well?
- Was there a difficult birth?
- How sleepy is your baby?
- Has your baby been supplemented?
- How are bottles being given?
- How hungry is your baby when you offer the breast?
- What positions have you tried?
- What does your baby do when you bring them to the breast?
- What happens when they refuse?
- Is feeding painful?
- Is your baby transferring milk?
- What's happening with your milk production?
- And, most importantly, what are you hoping to accomplish?
I want to see what your baby actually does.
Not what the parenting book says your baby should do.
Not what the TikTok video says.
Your baby.
Sometimes the solution is surprisingly simple.
Sometimes it takes some detective work.
Sometimes we need to work on body position, sensory input, timing, milk flow, bottle feeding, or feeding mechanics.
Sometimes we need to give a tired baby a little time.
Sometimes we need a different plan altogether.
And sometimes getting your baby back to the breast takes an adventure.
That's okay.
Adventures are a lot more fun when you have a pal.
And someone who knows where they're going.
Your baby isn't rejecting you.
Something about feeding isn't working right now. Let's figure out what.
